As February approaches, I notice my emotions are going a bit hay-wire.  Perhaps it's the fact I'm 33 weeks pregnant, and my hormones are out of control.  Maybe it's the fact that I am scared to death about what is to come with Ollie's health.  The what ifs, if I allow them, became deep and wide and dark.  Trust me, I have never realized before what a true miracle it is to have a healthy child.  I took it for granted when I had Aubrie & Everett.  I am so blessed to have them period, let alone the beautiful children they are with good health.  It is honest to goodness a gift from God that you get to carry a baby, and that your baby is healthy.  When you are faced with news that your child isn't healthy, she needs surgery, well everything else kind of melts away.  Then, you realized how stinking blessed you are to live here - in a country where we have the medical teams to save her - if I lived somewhere else that wouldn't be the case & I can't even imagine how that would feel.

Ollie's Face

Her room awaits her - filled with happiness and gnomes!

It's hard at times to listen to other people's complaints & sickness they are struggling with at home.  It's typically a cold, a fever, a stomach bug.  I wish that was all we had to worry about - it's hard not to let yourself grow bitter.  But, I remember those small sicknesses used to be what I talked about too!  I wish all I had to worry about with Ollie was an ear infection or a cold here and there, or the cold symptoms when she gets here teeth in, but I think those small things will be the things that are normal that we are some what grateful for if that makes sense at all.

Aubrie (5) & Everett (3)
Partners in crime, best friends, slap fight warriors

So please say some prayers for me, and for Miss Ollie today.  I am doing very well almost every day all day, but heart surgery is scary, and I'm only human.  I feel the closer I get to her arrival the more unstable at points I do become - even though trust me I can not stinking wait for her to get here.  I think then it will be better - but it's been a long wait of appointments showing me how broken she is and that unsettling worried feeling in your heart every time she kicks.  I want to fix her, for her to be healed, but that's God's will, and I am yet to fully understand his plan.  Only 6ish more weeks my friends until she arrives!  I think her beauty will blow you all away!  

14 years together, going on 7 years of marriage
Best friends, partners in crime, hug buddies

Thank the good lord for Jade.  Having a marriage like we do was a great base.  Fourteen years together gave us just a start, but what it has happened in our lives & marriage this past 3 months is even more than I imagined.  We are stronger than ever, and more thankful than ever for each other.  I'm very blessed to have his hand to hold and his arms to hug.    I do the best I can, I pray hard, then I pray harder.  I try to bargain with the lord - yes I know that's ridiculous.  So keep on praying for us my friends - and my kids - and my family - and especially my doctors, nurses, and surgeons.  Next Wednesday we head back to St. Louis for a day of appointments.  I love that hospital, but trust me staring at a 60" plasma TV with your babies heart the size of your hand with a big hole in the middle of it is really not fun, or enjoyable, but we do it with a smile on our face and a song in our hearts. 

Psalm 139:13-18

I also apologize if this seems depressing or if I seem ungrateful for anything I have at all.  I truly don't mean it to come off that way.  This blog is my journal, to track my feelings, and my life & I need to remember my dark days as well as my bright ones.  I have all the faith in the world that Ollie will be just fine - my faith is not wavering - my hormones are!  I pray the next 6 weeks fly by, and I expect they will as we also start the basement renovation for Maggie's sweet family to move into!  We have a lot of work to do in a hurry!